Ahh there is a pleasant surprise. A post named paradox on WL got me good rave reviews. Wow, that’s great stuff. Painful posts make up for good read. That was one right from the past. I just couldn’t stop laughing and giggling to see some heart touching comments from fellow readers. Living in pain has its own fun. It’s a way of life. It just doesn’t go. Do whatever. Make it understand, reason it, convince it, the relief doesn’t come. Being a man, you cannot shed tears. But then you grow feeble. And then the silence comes into picture. Play in the songs on and out. No respite. I actually loved that kinda life years back. With time, I moved on. But few dates take me to those days. And I switch gears effortlessly. Flawless almost. Everything goes for toss. The yearn for being loved and the posts on the mushy stuff, everything goes down the drain.
The best thing about the painful days is you are selfish. You give a damn to the world. All you care is, the heart and the ways to heal. For me the best option is to blog to heal. I owe big time to my blog to heal myself out of the painful times of 2006 and 2007. Some of us do cry their hearts out, some of them bottle the feelings, some just live with the pain. The pain never subsides unless you don’t make a conscious effort to do so.
Dates pull me back to that mould. And surprisingly once date goes away, I become normal. Just like pre-date. Nasty and the way I am. Right now. Beyond words. Words that once stole the hearts. Now they pull people away from me. Well actually in the past. Not this days. Given my exp, I just shy of throwing in words. Words, the mushy words. I stay clear of being possessive or trying to forge a relationship. In other words, being go slow.
I just wonder whats the significance of today? Just nothing. It’s just another day for me. For her. I moved on. Not sure about her. I came back to the mould only for this day. The day of 20 May. Celebrations had enrolled with me for the rest of life few years back, but then this day left me with a feeling of déjà-vu and emptiness within. I just cant scream or yell my feelings out. I can’t let them choke too. I gotta do something. So what do I do. Stay silent day in the office, I write on my blog. Feelings and thoughts crossing my mind. Right here on my blog.
Those days of pain, the posts meant something. My writing was amazing then. It’s not the same league right now. I can’t boast of this posts as high as I did for them….They were wonderful. I go berserk when I read them. Here are the excerpts from the post “Paradox” from WL
“Anniversary time. 3rd one to be precise. Memories galore. Glum faces. Memories of ultimate knot tie up. Dreams gone sour. Love lost. Wrecked heart. Ironies in miniscule actions of the day. That was a day of being in the limelight, today is the day being in solitude and reclusion, isolation and loneliness.”
“Silhouettes of days gone by, shadows of walking the road together, vows taken together, promises made to be with each other and then finding that all of them make no sense at all”
“Making sacrifices out of choices just to see the tiny little pony tailed girl happy. Calling her Teddy though she is full grown up 25 year old girl. Shunning chicken pizzas for Spicy Indian veg pizzas as token of love.Watching those movies once you dismiss as rubbish and then going through again and again cos they reflect your story of life. Something which you have gone through. Songs, memoirs, places, movies, cards, restaurants, buses, bikes, apartments, dresses, she, me, quilt, TV, soul, heart, existence, life, dreams, heart, pain, silhouettes, vows, woes, separation, rituals, celebrations, allegations, hate, alvida, definitely, obviously, jaan, J, Teddy.Life couldn’t have more paradox than this. Talking this on a day of anniversary. Anniversary of something very surreal and beautiful like the dew drops and tiny drop of water on the glowing face. Life for you!!!”
