Here are the few excerpts when I longed for freedom. Here are the few words when I was clutched in the silhouettes of self pity and depression all around. The age when I begged Lord Almighty of some good moments which were so rare those days.
“What does freedom mean to you ? Riddance of the negative aspects of your life? End of the times which eat you ? End of the tendencies which threaten your existence and yet you can’t find power to cut free ? What is freedom? Is it just walking free ? Or is it also having something more to it? What is that constitutes freedom? For me its riddance of those tendencies which threatened my existence, which made me felt irrelevant in the entire setup, the intense eyes which mocked me and said dude you aint needed anymore here. But you still couldn’t have done anything to change the situation, cos you were stuck in it. You wished a lot of things, but couldn’t fulfill them cos you were not supposed to. You were afraid of the consequences, you had all the negative thoughts in your mind and you feared stepping out of the jail would mean your life would be screwed . that to me is like ending up your life. Confining yourself to the limits of irrelevant existence is sinful.
Giving up to the tendencies which bereft you of your own life is sinful. I did that sin for last 4 and half months. I allowed myself to be prisoned to such tendencies and as a result today I find myself in soup. I walk out today out of the jail I have been saying all this days. “
And then this when I stayed in the office for days together without even going home:
“Sitting right out here in the office with just 3 hours sleep in last 48 hours, I am wondering how come I got this much of stamina and endurance to stand all the s hit of the world. I just wish that this phase of life ends soon. If not soon, then right now. I have been taking all in my system. And this is at a stage where I don’t react to anything. Just plain execution of whatever I am asked to do or want to do. I can’t believe this form of myself. It’s been 2 weeks now that I last rode my bike. A month now that I went to a movie and it’s been 3 weeks that I stepped out of the University circle area in Pune. All roads lead to the office and it’s like spending a lifetime here. I don’t like to crib. I don’t know whats going on in the life. Things have been so crazy that if I discuss a point with my mgr or anybody else and I differ on that point, then I m being taken as aggressive, unprofessional and negative influence in the team. How ridiculous is that? This is just not ending. Good things end soon and bad things linger on forever.
I have been going for sleep right now in the office. Its 430 AM in the office.
And then I slept for few hours and couldn’t continue. When I woke up, I lost the train of the thoughts.
I even compared my situation then to being prisoned for life or stuck up in a bad marriage:
“It’s like an ordeal. It’s like being jailed for life. It’s worse than a lifetime of bad marriage. Bad marriage still has an end to it. But this thing doesn’t seem to have an end. It’s like being stuck in a dark deep hole with all exits sealed forever. It’s like being midst of a terror attack where the artillery and the ammunition of the terrorists is never ending and you have to run for cover. But you are like the captain of the ship who cannot go for a hiding, someone like who has to bite the bullets, eat them, yet put up a brave face, take the humiliation in the stride, pose a geeeeeeeeeee in front of everybody. You gotta take the bullet wounds, be bruised and hurt. Deep down the soul is hurt, the feeling is just beyond words. It’s like being in a pit with full of hit. There seems no end of the road for this tunnel. There seems no end for this. I have no more analogies to depict this. And the person in the above situation stuck is me. And even more striking is the similarity with the dates ditto last year. Same to same. I wonder how precisely the history repeats itself. And to this precision for me has left me shocked. And when I am shocked, I go numb and freeze. A chilling feeling grips me and I go cold in temperature. Eyes remain wide open and it’s like somebody says me statue. Numb unmoved with iota and tones of pain. “
And then one day when my feelings choked and I halted in the life for few seconds growing spicy red with the infinitum amount of self inflicted and others’ imposed pain:
“Flustered, a storm within. Unable to get that out of my system. Choked. Flurry of feelings and thoughts in my mind right now. What the heck. Why me ? I live a pretty okish life. Centric around me and my people. Yet weirdo things happen. And I take them quietly. Silently. I wanna take it out. Don’t be judgmental when you read this. I have a right to get the weird feelings out of my system. I say NO to blog woes. I say NO to relationship woes. I will have them in my way. My way isn’t a tardier one. It’s what has evolved over the years despite the blips and misses.
I say NO to whatever doesn’t suit me. I dismiss the predictions about me. I dismiss the stereotypes formed about me. I dismiss ill notions formed about me. I have penchant for good life. And at any cost I shall get it. If I have to believe him, my life is worthless and maybe I should stop living it. Nobody managed to give that impression to me in my life thus far, what he gave me in a half hour. So what do I do ? End my life or what ? Get off. I won’t. I would live it even more harder and the way I want. I would prove him wrong. C’mon man. C’mon hit me. I would show you what I am. All aspects of your life are screwed up man. Oh really. Oh man, you sound such a loser. Big loser. Sitting in an cramped space with all the dirt of the world around you, you seem to be a frustrated man. You aint making any big in the life you live. You aint making any major thing in your life. You are a hole with *(%%(^**&%*&%. It’s a outburst. Not totally. But good part of it what I expect. Have to take it out. So I did. I can’t stop people who read this being judgmental about me, but then I would like to say don’t be. That’s my space and I gotta right to be happy or moody or whatever damn I feel I am to be.”
This words scare me out when they remain within me. I had to take them out and when they would be out on the WL, the place where the members express themselves with no inhibition, I would feel liberated in true sense of literature meaning or even more than that. Imagine a bird who flies out of the cage after being ages into it. Stumbling but yet flying high. More than the ability to fly, the wanting to fly, the wish to fly. Right now I feel like the same bird. I am not a pessimist nor a sadist. Just highlighting my thoughts with myself during those dark days.
Starting soon I'd put America Musings comprising of my inputs on relationships and other spicy stuff.
I was about to write thanks here. Lol. Office me 10 mails dalta hu to end me thanks likhta hu.
