Giving a cold shoulder to the biggest dream.

Such is the effect of the current phase on me that when I could see my biggest dream getting fulfilled (no its not the want of love that’s getting fulfilled), I didn’t exult in joy or kick the air with my fist or not even raise my hands like Sourav. Just a wry smile and back to being quiet and a shell. In good sunny days I would have danced to the hilt and had been very happy. Call this the effect of getting old or being cajoled by the tough situations, the reaction to the news I got in the morning while swiping into the office was very subdued. I didn’t have the negative mindset, but I was pretty ok with it. It turned out to be true what I wanted, so it was good with me. But I was ok with the scenario 2 as well, that is not being able to get through the situation. Both the things were fine with me. But I got the positive option executed and boy it meant some celebration. In reality, it was a dampener. No celebration and no plan for that even.

I wonder how long your past follows you. When you feel you have moved on and are a new human being forgetting the old daemons, it comes right back and hits you where it hurts the most. I had accepted the feedback points people had to give me when my previous billable assignment ended with a pinch of salt, though I knew that most of the points listed down were not true. They were false, made up and cooked up with spicy stuff. I had mellowed myself in this 3 months. I had exercised restraint in situations where in the past I would have blown up. Isn’t that a big thing? Why do the entire world needs to know about my past ? What good is going to make them? Besides some laughter sessions and more “stuff n spice” to the already crooked up version, there is nothing going to come out of discussing my past. My colleagues and managers say that they have overheard what transpired with me in that project. I respond back, let’s talk it out. I am the correct person to tell you my side of the story, discuss this and know the reality. Rather than believing the other side or overheard stuff listen to me and then judge me. Or do nothing, I don’t bother. I bother when the past comes in the way of getting good things for me in the present or the future. Why judge me on 1 event, judge me for the entire duration I m here. Speak with all stakeholders I have worked with. All peers, all managers. Get the holistic opinion and then form a judgment over me. Yeah?

If the early morning fog wasn’t enough, then the mid afternoon digging out of the past and the stupid reckless exercise to go ask my team about the feedback for myself put me off totally. I am even more neutral now. I know the occasion is too huge for me. Lot of wish list items would be ticked, lot of “wanting to be-s” would be fulfilled, yet somewhere deep inside, I don’t feel to exult or be happy about it. It’s just another day for me, it’s just another wait for the month to end. It’s just another day of a pretty boring and black & white life with no Eastman colors on the display.