Dawn of Good Times......

Feeling out of place.  This word has a lot of significance.   I have kept feeling out of place now for years together. Everywhere and anywhere. There are always few places which you feel you own and you feel that they are up for you. May be you arrive at those places a bit late. But then there are some places which make you feel out of place every time you land up there. You lose yourself, you become somebody else. And then your aura diminishes and a crooked cranky and itchy version takes over. Sooner you leave the place, better you become and return to your normal self.

I am confused. I am not able to change a few things.  You can say the situations have crippled me up.  Looking at the long term picture, I held myself back.  For example the project I am in is screwed up.  That’s fine. But the team I work with is even worse.  I can’t get the work done out of the people. Cos simply they have stopped doing so and I am not having within my rights to replace the duds.   I am sitting helpless, I am  feeling lost on options.   A guy like me who always had plenty of options for everything, which he thought was basically the reason for his troubles, today stands helpless and with little or no options.

Going on like this for long would mean selling away my soul and being somebody which I don’t want to be.  My morning begins with a regular tiff with the Project Manager. Trust me, she is useless lady with no good things in her life.  She is unhappy, is thick skinned, likes confrontations and makes molehills out of mountains. Cries fire when there is no smoke or vice-versa.   Its ridiculous to attend to her every time in either my cube or her cube. Scenes like shouting or screaming or somebody walking off on the face of the other or banging the phone and then biting my hair in disgust, is a routine.  I thought its wrong with me. But then some lookback on the pattern over last month and half, suggests something different.

She loves confrontations and makes an issue which would be laughable.  Example this :

1.    I had to send a document to the client and as I had to rush quickly to home on Thursday evening, I asked one of my team mates to send it to the onsite co-coordinator (some body with unpronounceable name) and then to the client. Perfectly ok. Motive was not to expose the team members to the client and having one SPOC. Later on there were some issues with Word version. I rectified the same from my apartment and resent. Next morning the lady comes to me and fires the grenade : “why dint u send the document”.   My explanations went futile and she walked off victorious. Mere dimag ka to dahi ho gaya.

2.    Friday evening there was a client call and I had went out of the conf room to grab a coffee and was back soon. In meantime lady asked other people, is Sam there ? They said he has gone out and shud be back anytime.  Lady panicked and called me up. Phone was discharged. I sent a sms and mail later on. Today morning again a grenade fired on me “u don’t know ur responsibility and u were not with the team for entire duration”…….I was again mighty pissed and repeatedly said “ I was with the team”……..

Nothing worked and my day was again screwed up. Not to mention my gloriously inefficient team members.  

Right in this situation I cant go back to my original IBU and seek for a release. In tough times like this another bad appraisal from client means end of game for me.   The only option for me is to either tolerate the antics of the PM and do my job. Else I escalate the PM to her senior and see the game from sidelines. Worse here I loose my credibility.  But then I am not in a position to take it more.  I had intuition that this would be a screwed up project and my instincts were right. They never deter me. Whenever I go against them, I loose and end up being screwed. The only reason I do it is I m unsure of myself and I don’t back myself anymore now which I always used to in my hay days.

Doubtful, hesitant and unsure personality never succeeds. I understand this, but then until mar 31^st , I have very little to do or make out any choice.  Till then gotta find optimism and positivity…….How, that’s the big question.  May be this is the right time to hear Chak De music…….or some inspirational movie songs…..And sore throat and possible cold isn’t making things any easier for me.

If anybody in the world deserves good times, then its me. Its ME.  Time and again I have encountered jerks and losers.   And ended up acting like them and being one of them….. Not any more…..

Let sanity prevail and law of averages work for me. Let good times dawn on me..