What could have beens

What could have beens scare me.

What if I was in India now and wanted to meet her as often as I could and if she had problems in it or her orthodox family members had problems in it ? How would I have taken it ? Shuttling between Pune to her city and then back to my home would have been an expensive stuff.

I have already holded back myself on repeating anything I did for Akki 3 years back. She remains the best one I loved. Thats improbable to repeat and even do half bit of it. Such was the intensity. And it was automatic. It came within and it was beyond the words of excellence and exuberence. But as long as it was great, it was good. THings turned bad and every bit of that went down in the drain. The same face which charmed me to the core started giving me nightmares.

The fights, the scuffles and the stupid fights to prove who wins and it was over. We walked out on each other leaving a huge hole in my life. I was void and empty. And thats what scares me now. I do not want to build any expectation now that could break later. I do not want to give her high hopes about how life could be and would be only to find later that it breaks.

She wants me to speak to her when she sleeps and before I sleep. Nice innocent thought. However thats not everytime possible. Her night is my day working at peak and attending meetings at the stretch. My night is her day when she is surrounded by her family and my room mate lures around looking for my laptop for his car deals. Quite possible one day I could not pick up the phone owing to being busy in the meetings or somewhere else. So whats gonna mean?

Stupid allegations that you dont take me seriously or you just work ? What ?

I compare myself to the times when I was in 2006 and what I am now. And thats a dangerous comparison. I know that high can never be attained and there wont be another summit of 2006 when things were very very bright and sunny. Alas later that year, the things were darkest and gloomiest for me.

I dont compare her with A. There can be no comparison.

WHats the end of this battle ? I am the loser in this. And that would be very unfair with everybody. Biggest would be her. She has no business being treated like this. She has been

I just cant drive myself to a point where I can be talking very close talks with her right now this stage of time.  If i try that I wont be honest with myself.  Being honest with myself has been the driving factor all through out my life. And if I am not able to do that, there is very little left for me to do and achieve.

This is a strange crossroad of life where an intense past beholds you to moving into a golden future.  Future that would set all the wrongs of the past right. And that wont come on its own. Efforts would have to be made keeping the past aside. Daemons of the past will need to be kept aside and will need to move on.

Caught up between two phases of my life is a very embarrasing thing to be in.

Bade Bade desho me aisi baatein hoti rehti hain.